Life has a way of being messy and throwing us unexpected changes to routines and events. Whether you have one kid, multiple kids, or a child on the autism spectrum, these messy moments are not easy! Preparing for these moments is not always possible, so moving right through them is many times our only option.
When life gets messy, it’s natural to feel defeated and worry that these disruptions are stalling your progress—or worse, hindering your child’s development. There are so many demands and things you wish you had time for, but these messy moments are getting in the way!
But what if we could move through these messy moments and come out the other side not feeling so behind and defeated? If we can learn to identify teaching and learning moments for our child during these messy times, these moments have the ability to not feel as disruptive to our life.
In this blog post, we’ll discuss ways to incorporate three important skill areas (self-care and daily living skills, communication, and social skills) into daily life even when the messy moments are present!
Crying over spilled milk. Picture this. Dinner is about to get started and everyone is at the table with their plates of food. You’re finishing putting together your own plate when you hear a glass tip and a scream. Susie spilled her drink and quite literally is crying over spilled milk. Messy moment. If we take this opportunity to move through the moment, we can calmly approach Susie labeling what happened to give her the language. “Uh oh! Milk spilled”, you say. Susie imitates, “uh oh!”. You smile and positively affirm she spilled her milk, “yes, uh oh! That’s okay though!” You hold your hand out for her to take and walk with you to the kitchen. “Let’s get a towel”, you say. She watches as you grab two towels and walk back to the table with her. You calmly kneel down and hand her one of the towels. Now you start modeling wiping up the milk saying, “clean, clean, clean”. She looks at you and starts imitating wiping with the towel.
Through this messy moment, you were teaching some important skills and able to fix the situation at the same time! Modeling a calm response and using language to label what happened helps build Susie’s language and communication skills. Watching how you cleaned the mess and Susie imitating you is starting to build the skill of cleaning up by herself in the future.
That ship has sailed. Picture this. It’s bath time and Aiden is enjoying his bath with all his bubbles, pirates and pirate ship. You’re thinking, “How are we almost done with bath time without one meltdown yet? Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket!” …. Minutes later it happens. The pirate will not stay on the ship and Aiden is growing increasingly frustrated. He picks up the ship and sails it through the air, water and bubbles falling in the tracks behind. Messy moment. To move through this, you say, “I’m frustrated!” Aiden doesn’t imitate you but he looks at you seemingly acknowledging what you said. “It’s not working!” you say next. Aiden’s tears start coming as he says, “not working”. You confirm, “Ahh yes, it’s not working. The pirate keeps falling.” You retrieve the pirate ship and return to the bathtub modeling, “Help me”. Aiden says, “Help me.” You notice the legs of the pirate are positioned in a way that it won’t allow him to sit so you move the legs while showing Aiden and saying, “fix legs”. Aiden watches. You hand the pirate back to Aiden, he reaches for the pirate and touches his legs right where you did. Then he puts the pirate back on the ship and it stays!
Wow— again, you worked through the messy moment and used the moment for some important skill building! Giving Aiden the language to communicate his emotion and social need for help is a critical skill. Then showing him what the problem was and how to fix it can set Aiden up for independence in solving a similar problem in the future.
You can’t unscramble eggs. Picture this. It’s breakfast, an already chaotic time for everyone in the house. Juliana told you she wanted eggs for breakfast which is great because you’re already making eggs for her brother Jacob. As you plate up the scrambled eggs on each of their plates, Juliana yells, “not this kind!” You reply, “What do you mean? That’s how I always make them.” “I don’t like that way anymore. Kenzie’s parents make them with yellow circles in the middle- that’s what I want!”, she says back. You sigh, “Well I can’t unscramble eggs…” Messy moment. Here’s an opportunity to present a choice and problem solving. “I don’t have time to make new eggs by myself, I have to finish getting my work bag packed. If you want, you can either choose a cereal bar from the pantry, or help me get the eggs ready to cook.” Juliana agrees to help make the eggs the way she wants. “Please get out 2 eggs, a frying pan, and a frying pan lid. I’ll be right back”, you say as you leave the room to pack your work bag. When you return, Juliana had retrieved the items you asked her to. You give her a hug thanking her for being so helpful and independent– you see her smile to herself. You work together to crack the eggs into the pan and Juliana stands by the stove watching the eggs cook under the lid. “Now let’s use our eyes and watch while we keep our hands to our side!” While you’re tending to Jacob, you look over to Juliana by the stove and say, “These are called fried eggs, I like these kind too!”.
This messy moment allowed for some problem solving, more complex language and following directions, and working together. Juliana also got the experience of helping make her breakfast by retrieving necessary items and standing by the stove safely without touching the hot pan or stovetop. All these opportunities continue to help Juliana’s development and communication skills.
So where does this leave you? Below are some actionable steps to take if you’re motivated to start moving through these messy moments more often and come out on the other side feeling like you made the most of the moment.
- Talk with your child’s BCBA about their current goals and times you can incorporate those goals into your daily life and routines.
- Think about messy moments that occur on a frequent basis and picture how you may move through the mess differently next time. This can make it easier to do when the moment comes if you’ve already pictured what you’ll do.
- Keep the message “Messy Moments, Mighty Progress” (or your own phrase!) somewhere you can easily reference throughout the day to stay reminded that the messy moments aren’t there to only cause chaos, but provide opportunities for skill building along the way!
At Mindcolor Autism, we believe progress doesn’t only happen in therapy sessions—it happens in the real, messy moments of everyday life. Our team partners with families to turn those moments into meaningful learning opportunities that support each child’s unique growth. To learn more about our approach and how we can support your family, visit us at www.mindcolorautism.com.
Author: Valerie Zimmerman, MS, BCBA, Vice President of Clinical, Quality and Outcomes at Mindcolor Autism